Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Lesser spotted Roydling

Stinky, repellant creatures...

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

New Camera

Got a fancy new camera with a comical lens for my Birthday last week. Been out and about taking pictures of the local wildlife...really rather pleased with the results. You may notice that by some strange coincidence all the animals in the photos are facing the same direction. How bizzare.

Monday, 24 August 2009

A dreadful weekend

Have not felt inclined to write anything recently as I have been suffering from a bout of lethargy which left me incapable of all but the most basic of bodily functions. I seem to have passed through the worst of it now and no doubt a good dose of Dr. Jupitron's Invigoratative Liquor will get me back to normal.
The dark depression settled upon me just after we had returned from a Pagan festival in the countryside 2 weeks ago. Wortha and I had taken a trip there in good faith after hearing many a story of how much fun they can be. We had ample provisions for the weekend and I was looking forward to seeing how the country folk enjoy themselves. But when we got there it was if all hell had broken loose and everyone had descended into madness. Men and women were walking around clad only in the most inadequate of clothing. Poor Wortha barely knew where to look and appeared quite flustered. By nightfall all pretence of civilisation was cast aside as the throngs danced to the sound of beating drums and lanterns were flashed on and off in quick succession. A shifty looking man gave me some tablets and told me they would help, but, by God, they made things much, much worse. Grinning loons leered at me from all angles, women I hadn't been formally introduced to tried hugging me and all the while those damned drums kept beating their erratic rhythms. It was all too much for me and I retired to my tent early, but found it impossible to sleep with all the thoughts racing through my mind and an unbearable urge to suck on my teeth. Poor Wortha must have been unable to find the tent because she didn't return until almost 6 in the morning, looking very bedraggled with eyes the size of saucers.
We left as soon as we could the next day and I vow never, ever to go to such an event again.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Moon Landing

There has been much talk of the 1969 Moon Landing and the first man on the Moon recently as it is the 40th anniversary of that momentous occasion. It has also brought up the topic of conspiracy theories and whether or not it was faked by the Americanians so that they could win the Cold War against their arch-enemies, the Soviet Republickists. Surely not?!
Well, I can tell you it most definitely IS a fake. over the years many anomalies in the footage of the moon landing have been pointed out which appear to question its veracity... shadows in the wrong direction, why are no stars visible in the sky, the way the flag seems to blow in the wind? The biggest bit of evidence I have is that I, Bertram Fiddle, travelled to the Moon in 1869. A whole hundred years before Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and that other fellow. The landscape on the footage is completely different to the one I discovered and they never mentioned the Moon People once. These Moon People, with their luminous bodies were quite common, so I find it hard to believe the Americanian Asteronauts never saw them. Unfortunately, I had left my camera on my desk in my study so had to make this quick etching to prove their existence.
I would also like to clear up the rumour that the Moon is made of cheese, once and for all. It is not. Mini Babybels grow there in abundance, which is perhaps how the story got started. It was I who first imported the tiny cheese discs to Europe, where they became most popular especially in Holland. By the late 1880's those cunning Dutch had found a way to breed it here on Earth, though the lunar variety is of far superior taste the Dutch version doesn't require a 477,714 mile round trip to harvest it and so that is what we eat today.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Journey to the Centre of Wales- Part 1

This is an extract from one of my Adventurising Journals and is an entirely true story.

Thurs, 17 April
I'm so interminably bored. Haven't had any kind of adventure for over a month now. Wortha says all my pacing up and down is getting on her tit's nerves (she found an abandoned nest of Long-tailed Tits in the garden last summer and has raised the little orphans by herself, she is such a sweet-natured little thing) and if I don't stop she will cave my head in with her Mandolin. It's only 2pm but I shall go and have a lie down for a while.
Dash it all! I can't sleep. Have decided to have an exciting adventure this very weekend. Nothing too big as we have to be back by tuesday for lunch with Mother, but something dangerous and thrilling nevertheless. Shall go and ask Gavin, my manservant, to make the necessary arrangements at once. Oh! I feel so much better already! I wonder what kind of adventure I will have? Perhaps I will foil a fiendish plan to topple a monarchy... or discover another lost continent... or thwart a Cowboy...
Most disappointed at present. It turns out this weekend is a Bank Holiday and all the good adventures have been booked up in advance. Have been forced to make an expedition to explorate the continent of Wales. My earlier exuberance has somewhat faded.

Friday, 18 April
On the carriage to Wales now. We have been traveling for what seems like hours now, without incident. Its raining, which always causes the shrapnel I got in the Punjab to throb quite unpleasantly, and Wortha complained of feeling a bit wan this morning and has stayed at home. This adventure is going to be shit. Oh, we've arrived.
The carriage has now departed and left us in the middle of this vast region of unexplored hills. Gavin has set up camp while I strolled around investigating the area for possible adventure. The flora and fauna is remarkably similar to that which I have seen in the countryside of Buckinghamshire and even Suffolk, though there is an abundance of large mammals roaming around with what can best be described as woolly fur that I am yet to classify. Their plaintive bleating call is somewhat unnerving, but they appear to be herbivores and I sense little danger from them.
The chance of an exciting adventure seems small, at present, though I did discover a most interesting looking hole behind some bushes. I am quite spent after todays exertions and shall retire early to bed after Gavin has made supper. We shall explore the hole tomorrow morning.

To be continued....

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

A stowaway!

Found this peculiar little fellow hiding in my luggage weeks ago. Completely forgot about him until Gavin was sorting out the pantry this morning. He looks rather grumpy doesn't he? I've named him Steve, but it doesn't matter as he shall be dead within a couple of days.

Monday, 6 July 2009

Telegram Excitement

It is with much excitement that I write this post. I have just received a most exhilarating telegram from the son of the late Rev. Mbooty McTooty, a minister in colonial Africa. At the time of his death he was running an illegal diamond mine (quite a character from the sounds of it) and has over 10,000 of her Majesty's pounds that he has invested in England. His son is offering me half of this vast fortune in return for my help procuring the funds. It all sounds too good to be true!
Why, I can invest this money into my new subterranean burrowing machine that I need for my next adventure.

I also received a telegram for powdered Rhino horn to aid in matters of the bedroom. Apparently it will allow me to make my wife's eyes go counter-clockwise. Well, sir, I have no need for such assistance. It is wholly inappropriate to try and make a wife's eyes do that and I am sure Wortha would agree.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Magic Monkeys Head

And here is a photo of an Enchanted Monkey Head I won in a game of Gin-Rummy with The Maharajah whilst I was down in Kowloon the other week. It is said to bring the bearer immense fortune and good luck... but at present it is rather stinking up the place.

I think it might just be a Monkey's head...

Recent Adventuristics

Dear all,
I have just returndid from a particularly intrepid expedition to Patagonia. It happened most unexpectedly Monday previous. A mysterious cloaked figure with glowing red eyes entered the study of my London abode and threw down such a challenge that Lord Webster himself would have had second thoughts. I wasn't in at the time, I was down Tesco's doing my shopping, but upon my return I accepted. I know I shouldn't have, especially after what happenedid last October, but if I had backed down the members of the Adventuresome Gentleman Society would have thought I was quite French.
Anyway, a long story short, I found the fabled Quezle-tec-tec statue, broke the curse and freed the Aya-pudoo tribe from their 1000 year enthrallment.

Monday, 29 June 2009


Ahhh, my dear Mother. I owe her so much. Approximately £12,500 and a new gazebo.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Prehistoric Park

My manservant, Gavin and I popped out to purchase some bread last Saturday. The crowds were overwhelming me so we decided to take a shortcut down some alleys thus avoiding the busiest part of the High Street. Unfortunately we ended up on a prehistoric plateau, that, by a geographical anomaly had remained undetected by civilisation for millions of years. We took a few photos and I procured myself what I believe to be the little finger bone of a giant Humanoid that may or may not have roamed those prehistoric forests. After a short while we found our way back and continued to the bakery. It was, by now, Sunday and the Bakery was, much to my annoyment, shut.

Saturday, 20 June 2009

My films

It is with much reluctance that I, Bertram Fiddle, leading Victorian Explorator, have agreed to start blogifying. For many years I have kept journals of my adventurising and my wife, Wortha , has suggested I start sharing some of these fantastic tales with you, the public, via this new technologicalistic form of witchery.
To begin with, for the first time on the Infernet are the collection of short films I made whilst explorating the forgotten county of Lunkumshire in 1883.