Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Moon Landing

There has been much talk of the 1969 Moon Landing and the first man on the Moon recently as it is the 40th anniversary of that momentous occasion. It has also brought up the topic of conspiracy theories and whether or not it was faked by the Americanians so that they could win the Cold War against their arch-enemies, the Soviet Republickists. Surely not?!
Well, I can tell you it most definitely IS a fake. over the years many anomalies in the footage of the moon landing have been pointed out which appear to question its veracity... shadows in the wrong direction, why are no stars visible in the sky, the way the flag seems to blow in the wind? The biggest bit of evidence I have is that I, Bertram Fiddle, travelled to the Moon in 1869. A whole hundred years before Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and that other fellow. The landscape on the footage is completely different to the one I discovered and they never mentioned the Moon People once. These Moon People, with their luminous bodies were quite common, so I find it hard to believe the Americanian Asteronauts never saw them. Unfortunately, I had left my camera on my desk in my study so had to make this quick etching to prove their existence.
I would also like to clear up the rumour that the Moon is made of cheese, once and for all. It is not. Mini Babybels grow there in abundance, which is perhaps how the story got started. It was I who first imported the tiny cheese discs to Europe, where they became most popular especially in Holland. By the late 1880's those cunning Dutch had found a way to breed it here on Earth, though the lunar variety is of far superior taste the Dutch version doesn't require a 477,714 mile round trip to harvest it and so that is what we eat today.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Journey to the Centre of Wales- Part 1

This is an extract from one of my Adventurising Journals and is an entirely true story.

Thurs, 17 April
I'm so interminably bored. Haven't had any kind of adventure for over a month now. Wortha says all my pacing up and down is getting on her tit's nerves (she found an abandoned nest of Long-tailed Tits in the garden last summer and has raised the little orphans by herself, she is such a sweet-natured little thing) and if I don't stop she will cave my head in with her Mandolin. It's only 2pm but I shall go and have a lie down for a while.
Dash it all! I can't sleep. Have decided to have an exciting adventure this very weekend. Nothing too big as we have to be back by tuesday for lunch with Mother, but something dangerous and thrilling nevertheless. Shall go and ask Gavin, my manservant, to make the necessary arrangements at once. Oh! I feel so much better already! I wonder what kind of adventure I will have? Perhaps I will foil a fiendish plan to topple a monarchy... or discover another lost continent... or thwart a Cowboy...
Most disappointed at present. It turns out this weekend is a Bank Holiday and all the good adventures have been booked up in advance. Have been forced to make an expedition to explorate the continent of Wales. My earlier exuberance has somewhat faded.

Friday, 18 April
On the carriage to Wales now. We have been traveling for what seems like hours now, without incident. Its raining, which always causes the shrapnel I got in the Punjab to throb quite unpleasantly, and Wortha complained of feeling a bit wan this morning and has stayed at home. This adventure is going to be shit. Oh, we've arrived.
The carriage has now departed and left us in the middle of this vast region of unexplored hills. Gavin has set up camp while I strolled around investigating the area for possible adventure. The flora and fauna is remarkably similar to that which I have seen in the countryside of Buckinghamshire and even Suffolk, though there is an abundance of large mammals roaming around with what can best be described as woolly fur that I am yet to classify. Their plaintive bleating call is somewhat unnerving, but they appear to be herbivores and I sense little danger from them.
The chance of an exciting adventure seems small, at present, though I did discover a most interesting looking hole behind some bushes. I am quite spent after todays exertions and shall retire early to bed after Gavin has made supper. We shall explore the hole tomorrow morning.

To be continued....

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

A stowaway!

Found this peculiar little fellow hiding in my luggage weeks ago. Completely forgot about him until Gavin was sorting out the pantry this morning. He looks rather grumpy doesn't he? I've named him Steve, but it doesn't matter as he shall be dead within a couple of days.

Monday, 6 July 2009

Telegram Excitement

It is with much excitement that I write this post. I have just received a most exhilarating telegram from the son of the late Rev. Mbooty McTooty, a minister in colonial Africa. At the time of his death he was running an illegal diamond mine (quite a character from the sounds of it) and has over 10,000 of her Majesty's pounds that he has invested in England. His son is offering me half of this vast fortune in return for my help procuring the funds. It all sounds too good to be true!
Why, I can invest this money into my new subterranean burrowing machine that I need for my next adventure.

I also received a telegram for powdered Rhino horn to aid in matters of the bedroom. Apparently it will allow me to make my wife's eyes go counter-clockwise. Well, sir, I have no need for such assistance. It is wholly inappropriate to try and make a wife's eyes do that and I am sure Wortha would agree.